Ellison Sparks

“Most people are other people.

Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry,

their passions a quotation.”

Oscar Wilde

Sixteen-year-old Ellison Sparks always dreamed about spending a romantic evening at the fair with her rock star boyfriend Tristan. But instead of riding the Ferris wheel and eating cotton candy, Tristan breaks up with her, citing confusion and the feeling

“that something is broken” as his reason. Ellison is devastated and sees the ensuing loop as a sign that she is supposed to stop Tristan from breaking up with her.

Tristan is Ellison’s first boyfriend and she is very aware of her inexperience regarding romantic relationships. During their first meeting, Tristan perceives her shyness as a laid-back attitude and tells Ellison that she does not seem like a drama queen. Ellison consciously decides in this moment to take on the fake persona of Tristan’s first impression of her:

The truth was I didn’t know who I was. Particularly not when it came to relation-ships. Was I the dramatic type? The pouting type? The jealous type? He didn’t seem to think so. Was it possible he’d gleaned more about me in the ten minutes we’d been talking than I’d learned in my entire life? I was so ready to be the person he thought I was. The person I thought he needed me to be at that moment. (Brody 2016: 160)

This train of thought reveals several things about Ellison’s identity: she has a desper-ate need for Tristan’s (and probably other’s) approval; she is aware of her inexperi-ence in regard to relationships; and she does not seem to have an established identity yet. Her thinking that someone she just met would be able to know more about her than she does herself clearly shows that Ellison does not know anything about her-self. Her inexperience combined with her need to be liked by Tristan leads to her making the decision to fill the gaps in her identity with Tristan’s assumptions about her. Her plan works, and her relationship with Tristan suddenly puts her in the spot-light at school and at the center of unwanted attention. This development makes Elli-son incredibly uncomfortable, and she adjusts her behavior to avoid being seen and judged by other people – even going as far as taking detours to class and not using the restroom at school anymore (Brody 2016: 374).

Ellison’s low self-confidence also becomes apparent when talking with Tris-tan about other girls. She is incredibly jealous of the female fans of TrisTris-tan’s band and overcompensates her insecurities by showing narcissistic traits by thinking about herself as different from and better than other girls, specifically saying she does not

“want to be like all the other girls he’s dated” (Brody 2016: 16). Ellison does not ac-tually know any of Tristan’s ex-girlfriends and simply takes Tristan’s description of them as “dramatic” at face value. In her quest for Tristan’s approval, Ellison makes up the equation that all of Tristan’s ex-girlfriends being dramatic means that if she acts in a way that Tristan could perceive as dramatic, she will also become one of his exes.

Her tactics to stop Tristan from breaking up with her become as extreme as following “girl commandments” like “thou shall always be a creature of mystery” or

“thou shall always appear busy and important.” Ellison’s lack of an established iden-tity means she willingly takes on any outside guidance that tells her how she should behave. The mission becomes a game for her, and she often uses game terminology like “playing by the rules,” “winning,” and “earning a reward” to refer to her quest.

Ellison finally succeeds during the third loop but becomes desperate when the loop still resets and, during the next iteration, Tristan breaks up with her once again.

Elli-son still sees her identity as the culprit and wreaks havoc on her room as a way to vent her frustrations:

I yank posters from the wall. I destroy everything. Until there’s nothing left of my old, safe world. This is the new Ellison Sparks. She is reckless. She is determined.

[...] Past Ellie would be mortified right now. For her, this would be the equivalent of a walk of shame. But not me. Not anymore. That old Ellie is gone. [...] She had her chance and she failed. She lost the boy. She blew it. It’s time to try something completely different. It’s time to become someone comcompletely new. (Brody 2016: 229 -230)

Ellison refers to the person she was a few moments ago as a past identity and simul-taneously feels the need to immediately create a new possible identity, one that helps her achieve her goal. In identity research, “possible identities are the positive and negative identities one might hold in the future” (Schwartz 2012: 117). Not only is Ellison convinced that she needs to stay together with Tristan, she also assumes that this goal is not congruent with her current identity. This assumption most likely stems from the fact that Ellison knows that the identity she portrays in her relation-ship with Tristan is only a role she is playing. Therefore, her conclusion is that she needs to adapt and improve this role until it exactly fits Tristan’s requirements.

Ellison is close to completely losing any semblance of a real identity she still has left when her best friend Owen brings up the possibility that the loop might not actually be about getting Tristan back but about getting herself back. Only then does Ellison realize her true objective. Even though she had at this point already lived through her sixth Monday in a row, Ellison never even entertained the possibility that the loop could be about herself and not about Tristan. This reinforces that Ellison voluntarily gave up her own interests, character, and ultimately identity to cater to the wishes of her boyfriend without regard for her own personhood, wishes, and needs.

Suddenly, with her own being in the focus of her investigations, she comes to realize that her insecurity led to her attaching herself to Tristan because the attention she received from him and the popularity that came with their relationship made her feel as if she was something special. She now comes to understand that she inherent-ly has worth both as a person and as a girlfriend, regardless if Tristan or someone else recognizes her worth or not. She also realizes that her best friend Owen always

saw her exactly for who she was and that she never had to act like someone else when she was spending time with him.

Ellison operated from the first day of her relationship with Tristan on the false assumption that Tristan could never like her for who she truly is. Intimidated by his popularity, she was the one who made the decision to become someone else in the hopes of pleasing him in her role as his girlfriend. Tristan was not aware that Ellison took his lamentations about his ex-girlfriends and molded herself into someone who appeared to be the opposite of them. When Ellison finally shows Tristan her true self, it turns out that he likes her after all. However, Ellison still decides to break up with him, as she finally realizes that being with Tristan means betraying her identity.