Courtship, Family Life and Divorce

There is no reference to courtship between young people who intend to marry in the FBB. The church recognises marriage as “honourable in all” and further states “[a]ll members who wish to marry should do so in the church. They are not to follow the worldly pattern of drumming and dancing, drunkenness or wear clothes that bring sin”.²³⁸ However, a separate manual of the church articulates its beliefs, rules and guidelines on the conduct of courtship between members.²³⁹ This manual, which is a Marriage Counselling Handbook (hereafter referred to as MCH), represents a systematic treatise of the church on courtship, marriage, family life and divorce. A close inspection of this manual indicates that it is an expansion and update of an older, twenty-three-page text by Adeboye titled Journey to Marriage.²⁴⁰ Adeboye begins his exposition of marriage by stating that “not every body will marry”, for “the one who does not marry is better than the one who does” because “those who are not married mind only the things of God, while those who are married mind the things of their husbands and their wives (1 Corinthians 7:34)”.²⁴¹ Although marriage is approved in the bible, Adeboye compares it to a trailer that drags a believer down and impedes the work of God.

Building on the foundation laid by Journey to Marriage, the MCH provides details concerning even the minute aspects of marriage such as how to recognise the right candidate for a spouse, what to wear, when to sleep during the weekend of wedding, who to put in charge of what.

Commenting on the value of this manual, a senior clergy of the church writes, “it contains biblical principles and truth on major aspects of marriage”.²⁴² Recognising that the bible has no comment on marriageable age, the manual recommends that members of the church who wish to marry should be at least twenty-five years old for the man and twenty-one years old for the

237 Tithe collection is a form of taxation. However, the ministers are not accountable to the people from whose taxes they are paid their salaries. Since the church is not a democratic institution, it has no position that requires voting or being voted for, or structure that articulates the problems or opinions of the laity. The RCCG as an institution thus represents a typical case of taxation without representation.

238FBB, article 24

239To Have and To Behold Forever: Marriage Counselling Handbook, RCCG Acme Ogba, 2000. Hereafter, referred to as MCH (Marriage Counselling Handbook). I am grateful to Jaiyi Babalola who pointed my attention to this text and made a personal copy available to me.

240 Adeboye, Journey to Marriage, Lagos: CRM Books, 1994.

241 Ibid., p.1

242Pastor Pitan Adeboye “Forward” To Have and To Behold Forever: Marriage Counselling Handbook. Pastor Pitan Adeboye is not related to E.A. Adeboye and is the provincial pastor in charge of Headquarters 2A, Lagos (Redemption Light, vol. 6, no. 8, September 2001).

woman since marriage is important and should be contracted by matured men and women only. The manual specifies three dimensions to maturity: physical, spiritual and emotional.

Members of the church who are intending to marry need to be open to the leadings of the Spirit and seek the face of the Lord after considering such factors as love, compatibility, education, financial security, beauty, ethnic and family backgrounds, profession and age as they make their decision. God could communicate the right choice of partner through dreams, audible voice, visions, revelation and prophecy.²⁴³ Once a clear conviction is established about choice of a partner, this should be communicated to one’s pastor whose responsibility it is to inform the brother/sister concerned. The informed person will now seek a corresponding confirmation from God before consenting. Once consent is given, a courtship is formally established with the approval of the pastor.

A Christian courtship is regarded as the period spanning between when a “sister” and “brother”

agree to marry each other and their wedding day.²⁴⁴ This is a period of acquaintanceship, togetherness and mutual self-discovery. The church further recommends that though the bible did not specify the duration of courtship, no courtship should be less than six months or more than two years. Those in courtship are advised to, among other things, abstain from holding hands, touching one another carelessly, caressing, kissing, romancing and petting.

Furthermore, they should not meet in isolated places where no one sees them, or “sleep together in the same room no matter the circumstances”.²⁴⁵ If during the period prescribed for courtship a partner in the relationship is persuaded to end the affair, s/he is to inform the pastor and marriage counsellor. If after due prayers and counselling and they all share the new decision with the other partner, then a formal end would be brought to the courtship period.²⁴⁶

If, however, the courtship is successful and a wedding is planned to consolidate the relationship, then a new phase opens up for those involved. The partners commence a marriage counselling programme in the church. This leads to a formal engagement, which involves families of both partners in the courtship. The church approves the payment of bride price or bride wealth as scriptural. This may be done with money, clothes and food.²⁴⁷ The necessary

243MCH, pp 5-6

244Ibid., p. 8

245Ibid., p.13

246Ibid., p. 125

247 Adeboye, Journey to Marriage, p. 16.

exchanges of gifts (excluding alcoholic beverages)²⁴⁸ are conducted between both families according to cultural requirements. Concerning the exclusion of alcoholic drinks, Adeboye writes, “[t]he Bible says the man who gives alcohol to his neighbour is cursed and I am sure you do not want your marriage to be cursed from the very first day”.²⁴⁹

The church, through the pastor and counsellor, scrutinises the list of engagement items. When items considered not in consonance with church rules are found on the list, these are deleted. In addition to alcohol, (including raphia palm wine [raphia vinifera] and oil palm wine [elaesis guineensis]), live animals [goats, chicken, fish, ram], alligator pepper, honey, kola nuts (chlorophora excelsa), and bitter kola are prohibited by the church and are deleted from the list if found. The church regards these as sacrificial items for oblation in traditional religion. They are taboo in a Christian ceremony. During the engagement and exchange of gifts, candidates are advised to “pray against all kinds of laying of hands on (sic) the pretext of blessing. This is a significant gesture; it could have spiritual and physical consequences”.²⁵⁰

The MCH makes it explicit that the RCCG “recognises and accepts the three forms of legal wedding acknowledged by the law of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, namely: customary wedding, court or registry wedding (and), church wedding”.²⁵¹ Part of the wedding arrangements in the church entails fixing a date with the pastor as well as having a blood test to determine genotypes of the couple. While it is now obligatory among some Christian groups in Nigeria for intending marriage partners to have a HIV/AIDS test, there is no mention of this in the manual. On the Monday before the wedding, the woman subjects to a pregnancy test the result of which must be submitted to the pastor. If she is pregnant, the church wedding is cancelled; if not, the preparations continue. The day of wedding is recognised as one of the four most important days in a believer’s life; the other three are: the day of one’s birth, day of conversion and the day of death.²⁵² Of all four, it is only the day of wedding that a person can control and fix; hence, it is a significant day that marks a transition to a lifetime relationship

248The manual prohibits such items as beer, wine, gin, whisky, brandy, champagne, stout, etc.

249 Adeboye, Journey to Marriage, op cit., p. 17. This statement is based on the text of Habakkuk 2: 15 & 16:

“Woe to him who gives drink to his neighbour, pressing him to your bottle, even to make him drunk, that you may look on his nakedness! You are filled with shame instead of glory. You also –drink! And be exposed as uncircumcised! The cup of the Lord’s right hand will be turned against you, and utter shame will be on your glory”.

250MCH, p. 57

251Ibid, p. 55. The MCH erroneously states that “it is against the law of the Federal Republic of Nigeria to have both Registry wedding and church wedding”. In some churches in Nigeria like the Catholic Church a couple cannot be wedded in church until they have obtained a certificate from the registry stating that they have properly and legally wedded according to the laws of the land.

252 Adeboye, Journey to Marriage, p. 22.

with another person within the community of God’s people. During the wedding, the pastor uses only the Bible and not the wedding ring as a symbol of union.²⁵³

Once a marriage is correctly conducted and contracted, three significant transformations take place in the bride: i) she signs out her maiden name and assumes a new identity signified by her taking the husband’s name; ii) she changes accommodation and begins to live with the new husband; and iii) there is a change in lifestyle. These changes are indicative of new status and identity that come via marriage (Odeyemi 2000: 57-58). Post-wedding reception is to be conducted in a Christian manner, with a born-again master of ceremony. Church brethren are to supervise wedding gifts, for “they must pray and sanctify the gifts with the blood of Jesus”.²⁵⁴ It is generally believed that some material gift items may be imbued with satanic spiritual forces designed to destabilise the new family, hence the prayers on the gifts to neutralise such potency. After the prayer, the brethren from the church are expected to open all wrapped gifts to ensure that nothing evil is concealed in any item.

The RCCG recognises and recommends family planning for married couples. Based on the text of Genesis 1:28 which states that “God said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it...” the church reasons that “God has also given us the authority to control the situation” of human fertility and reproduction through human invention.²⁵⁵ Couples are taught that family planning has economic, physical, spiritual, educational and social benefits. In addition, they should choose from the array of available methods which one, or set of methods, best suits their circumstances and preferences. The methods discussed include folk (coitus interruptus, post-coital douche and prolongation of lactation); traditional; natural (rhythm, total abstinence); hormone use (pills, injectibles, norplant); barrier methods (condom, fermidom²⁵⁶; diaphragm; virginal spermicide, IUD) and irreversible methods (vasectomy, tubal ligation). At the end of the discussion of the strengths and weaknesses of these various methods, couples are advised: “Remember that prevention of pregnancy is less traumatic and more acceptable than either an abortion or a full term pregnancy and delivery”.²⁵⁷

253See Adekola (1989: 213-222) for the order of wedding service. It follows precisely the established Anglican format except that the Bible replaces the ring in the ritual: “The husband then gives a new Bible to the bride and both [...] hold it together while the officiating leader reads the last vow to the couple and the husband repeats after the leader: This Bible which is the word of God I use to be engaged in marriage with you. I give myself unto you as sacrifice, and all my properties (sic) which I possess I will use to nurse you in the name of the Father, the son and the Holy Ghost. Amen” (p. 218).

254MCH, p. 61

255MCH, p. 97

256 This is a type of female condom.

257MCH, p. 97.

From its inception, RCCG pastors give children special place in their programmes. According to J. H. Abiona, Josiah “had great love for children and (the) pregnant women. In fact, it was one aspect of his ministry which endeared him and the church to many people including those who were not members of the church”.²⁵⁸ The MCH recognises children as “gifts and blessing from the Lord.”²⁵⁹ They are the foundation for “building a godly heritage”.²⁶⁰ Hence, “we believe that after a child is born, on the 8th day the parents should bring him/her unto the Lord for dedication unto the Lord”.²⁶¹ Parents are taught to bring up their children in a healthy way and in the fear of God, bringing them to church and not abandoning them to play while they (parents) attend church activities. Adeboye teaches that “children also need salvation” and so,

“they should not be forbidden from attending church programmes or answering altar calls”.²⁶²

The RCCG recognises that a legal divorce means an effective dissolution of the marriage bond.

Nevertheless, members are not allowed to divorce although there are scriptural grounds for such an action such as marital infidelity: “Divorce is permissible only when a life partner has committed adultery. Even then, none of them should be married to a new partner while both are yet alive”.²⁶³ Elsewhere, the church states that “Jesus allowed divorce or separation hypothetically on the ground of infidelity […]. However, the same scripture advocates love and forgiveness in all circumstances and at all times. [...] Therefore, true forgiveness means no divorce”.²⁶⁴ After discussing all the causes and consequences of divorce, the teaching of RCCG is explicit: “Once marriage is contracted, it remains indissoluble except when one’s partner dies”.²⁶⁵ Married couples are admonished to live with the strength and weaknesses of their partners until death do them part. Remarriage is only a privilege reserved for widows and widowers.